I am sad. It’s a constant reality.
By ‘sad’, I don’t mean depressed or hating the world around me for the evil that it has done me and my life. To me, ‘sad’ means feeling for the memories forgotten and the time wasted. I am sad for not treasuring past relationships, the conversations that could have been, the words left unsaid, the feelings suppressed and not expressed, and the raging voice in my head that didn’t get its chance to speak. I am sad for not showing those around me who I really am, even though there really isn’t that much to show. I am sad that I can’t do casual and everything that I do is instantly over-complicated in my mind; overthought, over-analyzed, and over-dramatized. I am sad that I focus on things in people and conversations that others don’t give a second thought to. I am sad that I can’t talk to people about their quirks and strange habits without being told to “stop being so deep”. I am sad that I have to maintain relationships that drain me and make me feel useless simply for the sake of having a ‘friend’ and not being alone. I am sad that I am not accepted for my likes and interests, even by those who are closest to me. I am sad that with the excitement that is to come there are also tears and emotional pain as an add on. I am sad that I have to pretend to be okay and put together when I am terrified and scared of the future and the new, uncomfortable-but-necessary-for-me-to-grow-as-an-individual experiences that are inevitable. I am sad that in my 21 years I still don’t fully know who I am. More than anything, I am sad that I don’t know what I want to do with my life, even though I pretend like I do.
But, I am also happy for feeling sad. These struggles are what will form me into the person that I am meant to be, and that’s okay.
Thanks for tuning in!
“We rise and we fall, we break and we make our mistakes.”